Wednesday, November 04, 2015

life changes // new chapter

Time heals all wounds. And if it doesn't, you name them something other than wounds and agree to let them stay.
 — Emma Forrest, Your Voice in My Head

I was meaning to write this post couple weeks ago. I was going through some tough time and writing was the best medicine (well, it always was). But I got really really busy (which probably helped to cope as well) and couldn't finish this post. So here are messy post containing beginning I wrote still being heartbroken and the end, written today.

I remember this Lithuanian blogger and her fashion blog - she was so happy, in a relationship w a guy she loves, having amazing taste in clothes, famous blog and everything, when one day she blogged something about her blog closing, cause her boyfriend left. Back in that day I found it way too weird and not reasonable and after all this time I'm finding myself in her shoes. Trying to decide whether click on that "delete blog" button or not and suddenly realizing - no person should stop me from doing something I like. No person can take anything from me.
I'm that person who never needed love or any other feeling to feel full. To feel happy, to feel fulfilled. I was completely fine being by myself. And I still am. Some moments just were meant to be shared with somebody else. I don't regret anything, it took me some time, but now I can honestly say, the time I shared with him, even though he left, was one of the best I had in my entire life. But sometimes you just get little too carried away. Sometimes you get too attached. Or blind.
Couple weeks ago I started new chapter of my own book - my life. I closed last one and I'm not planning to re-read it again. But I learned, dear god, I learned so much.

  • Let go of the wrong people. Anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Anyone who doesn't make you smile. Anyone who makes you wonder why you. I found myself crying over argument, which probably meant nothing to him, while for me it meant the world. And I still swallowed my tears and went on. But thanks to some spirit from somewhere it was first and the last time I let it go.
  • Just do it. Not because Shia Labeouf, or if you wanna, because of him. It doesn't matter. Just do it. We overthink too much, way too much. What do we have to lose? I used to choose safe side, always, just because I was too afraid and I'd rather stay safe than try. And it was okay. It was completely fine to stay on the safe side. Until I realized I'm wasting my life and definitely not living it. Now before every single thing I want to do, but am too afraid to, I ask myself - "what do I have to lose?". Some things I was too afraid to try, happened to be the best things that have happened in my life.
  • Be positive. This is actually weird thing. I used to say that I'm the most pessimistic person in the world. Everything used to be bad for me, I would never see good in anything. I don't know what changed. Past few years I was in really bad place and couldn't see the light, but now all I hear is how positive I seem and how people feel better after talking to me (one of my friends said that he wants to see me just because after meetings he feels good energy). I'm not sure if my life changed, not really, but I feel like my mindset, my point of view did. I'm trying to surround myself with good people, not only happy ones, but those who makes me happy. Those who make me a better person. I feel like it's the easiest to be surrounded by happy people, but what's the best is to be surrounded by sad people and try to make them happy. And grow by helping others.
  • What is meant to happen - will happen. Maybe today. Or maybe five years later. Today I watched Lauren Curtis video about relationships and that got really into me is how she said, that breakups happen for a reason and if people meant to be together they would have. I think that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to happen - it will. Too bad not always we find or realize what that reason is, but it still is. 
  • Don't blame yourself. Well, if it's not your fault. I'm that kind of person who used to think, that everything happens because of me. I try to find that's wrong w me, what did I do etc etc. Until I realized it's not only me. Relationships are two persons work. 
  • It's okay to feel. All feelings the same time as well. I wondered why I feel angry, I wondered why I feel sad while realizing it all was for the best, but then realized that I needed to feel that. He meant something for me and if I hadn't felt what I felt it would have meant I lied to him and to myself all the time we were together. You need to feel angry, sad, desperate, all bad feelings and then let go.
  • Change. I used to talk and talk how I want to dye my hair, but I just didn't have guts. I'm not sure, but I guess week after break up I realized - I need to change. I didn't want it anymore, I needed it. And I arranged appointment and I dyed my hair. Small changes, but something which lead me to this new life, new better chapter. 
(^ this reminds me I still need to write that stupid hair post...)

I can't make one the most important message from this post, I guess all I want to say is that today is the perfect day to start living your life just the way you want it. Don't let anyone stop you from your happiness. And don't forget to tell the people you love, you love them.

Have a great day,
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